My Wild Pregnancy & the Freebirth of Inti Ochre Rain
My wild pregnancy & the freebirth of Inti Ochre Rain
They say every birth is the ultimate rebirth of a mother. & this one was definitely true to that saying~ one that I’m still integrating deeply. It was more than just the birth, but the whole pregnancy that has me on the other side of it, transformed, softened & awake to the power of a mother who remains connected to her intuition, her body & her baby above anything else, during pregnancy & beyond. I had a lot of practice connecting to my mama intuition~ from the moment my power was stripped away from me during the birth of my first son 7 years ago, I learnt from then on that only I was the one who knew what my baby needed & when, & I made it my life’s work to trust that. 7 years, of living as a mother guided by my intuition was the greatest practice for becoming so in tune with my instincts that nothing outside of me could persuade me to go against what I know is right.
One of the things my first born gifted me, was the ability to tune into my intuition, my psychic power. My first birth, & my initiation into motherhood was the first of many deaths & grand awakenings that I have journeyed upon since. It hasn’t been an easy ride, just like all spiritual awakenings they take you to your ultimate depths in order to die, but along those journeys I became deeper in tune with myself & learnt to trust my intuition so much so that it became part of my soul’s work. To guide others into doing the same.
I’ve written stories about my conception journey & how my spirit babies began coming in as strong guides long before I conceived & how my baby kept communicating with me strongly while in the womb ~ I love spirit baby stories, the post is shared in my “wild pregnancy” highlight on my Instagram for those who’d like to read.
It was clear to me from before I conceived, that I was going to be birthing at home & the thought of having a freebirth kept coming in, but I hadn’t yet decided if that was the path we were to take. But after I conceived, again & again my baby would show up in my dreams & tell me this was how he needed to land here on earth...
With all the planetary alignments around the time he was due, I knew it to be true that his birth was going to be totally unconventional in the best way. Still, I searched for a homebirth midwife just incase & contacted her when I had just discovered I was pregnant, but after I did my baby came to me in a dream & showed me how that path might look like, & that it may not be the one for us. This midwife was very supportive of freebirth, & I urge anyone who is working with a homebirth midwife to ask for their opinion on freebirth as it’ll give you a clear indication of how much they trust birth.
I had a promise to myself & my baby, & that was that we would work together & remain connected to one another throughout my pregnancy, that I was going to trust no one outside of us when it came to my pregnancy & birth. I knew I didn’t want any of the routine tests or scans, but it wasn’t until I was 2nd month into pregnancy that I decided I wasn’t going to see anyone for my pregnancy unless my body was signalling otherwise. & that I did.
No medical scans. No routine tests. No medical opinions. Guided only by my own body signals & intuition. This is what a “wild pregnancy” means.
My choice didn’t mean I wasn’t open to seeing someone when / if I needed to. But what it meant was if I did, it would be my choice & on my time. This was me taking full responsibility for my birth & my baby. I was confident. I had the right resources /books/ information to spend my pregnancy studying & I did. I became confident about the “what if”s, & I had herbs & supplies on hand for anything birth might throw at me. I was prepared for it all, but the reality.. I didn’t need any of it.
When I reached my half way mark I decided I wanted to confirm where my placenta was lying, so I did that by seeking out a non-medical scan place where they do gender scans. I requested the gender NOT be revealed & instead to know where my placenta was. I wanted the reassurance, but looking back I didn’t need it- my placenta was exactly where I felt it was.
There was a moment in early third trimester where I had a dream of receiving a blood test, so I took that as a sign & got my levels checked & found my iron had become low, this was great to know as I was able to build it back up before birth. I worked with my chiropractor getting frequent adjustments, I had pregnancy SPD & this helped immensely, plus chiro has so many benefits to ensuring the body is in optimal alignment for birth. I worked with my natropath/herbalist throughout pregnancy too. She supplied some of my birth herbs, flower essenses, took my blood pressure when I wanted it checked & assisted me through the mental ups & downs that I journeyed through~ this pregnancy was a roller coaster of healing for me, mostly because it brought up everything from my last pregnancy & birth that I was finally ready to face & heal. I did meet with the midwife once in late pregnancy at 39 wks where she taught me how to belly map & did some body work/ ligament release to help me move my baby into a better position- she offered her support should I ever need, but for us it was all I needed~ she believed in me & it was refreshing. This was the only care I received during the 9+ months of pregnancy & it’s all I was called to do. This was me taking my prenatal care into my own hands & letting my baby & body guide me.
During pregnancy I spent hours upon hours turning our new home into my sanctuary. In my birth space I had a small basket of remedies, oils, my favourite scents & plant allies to centre & ground me & offer support incase my mind wandered off into fear. & I didn’t use or need a single thing.
Fear.
Something I know all too well with a history of anxiety & panic disorder. Other people who have lived with anxiety know how much having “safety nets” on hand during times of intensity are essential.
But birth for me, wasn’t the place for fear, or safety nets. Pregnancy & Birth showed me the only thing I need resides in nothing external, in no one but myself
This kept coming up during pregnancy, but more so in the weeks of pre-labour before birth. When it came time to birth, not once did I feel fear, all I had left was trust.
The Birth
As the weeks leading up to birth approached, I felt the veils grow thin & the vivid dreams of my baby began rolling in. At 38 weeks exactly I woke up one night to regular tightenings every 10 minutes with mild period-like cramps. This was so different to the braxton hix contractions I had been having for months, & wasn’t something I ever experienced during my 1st pregnancy. I waited, to see if they would fizzle out but it didn’t & I began thinking it was the beginning of labour, it was after all the same kind of thing so many others describe their early labour as, but I didn’t have anything to compare it to. I instantly had a tsunami of fears surface.. all of the “I’m not ready” & “what if” thoughts as I scurried around the house looking for something to ground me. I was completely ungrounded in that moment & completely not ready, because it wasn’t my time to birth yet. But what it was, was my opportunity to witness what I had not yet worked through in order to become ready to birth. This prelabour (also known as prodromal labour) continued for weeks. It would often intensify at nights, with some nights on all fours breathing as I moved through the waves. So many times, I was fooled thinking “this is it”. The dance of birth teasing me, slowly beckoning me to reach surrender. It was frustrating at times, but I kept telling myself this was my baby getting in the right position & that we would keep working together. I didn’t expect it to continue for almost 3 weeks, but looking back it was the biggest blessing for my birth, it was my body preparing & doing the work it needed to do, just at a slower pace. Each time I would think “this is it” another layer of fear or attachment to any kind of outcome would shed.
By the time 40 weeks came around & I was still experiencing pre-labour, I reached that point where I was between being completely over it & also starting to think I would be pregnant forever. So just after 40 weeks I went to the ocean & spent hours swimming & asking mama ocean to wash away any expectations I had. This was exactly what I needed.
In retrospect I feel the prelabour was my baby helping me get to a place of non-attachment & surrender. To be in the place of no longer waiting for birth to happen, or putting a label on anything I was physically experiencing & instead just being completely in the present moment. This for me, is when birth happened.
That week I surrendered & relaxed completely, I started going out of the house more & started shopping for our caravan which we picked up just two days before birth. That afternoon, we went for our usual walk & there was a certain kind of magic in the air that hadn’t been present before. The birds were singing louder, black cockatoos were singing the song they sing before a storm rolls in~ & as I picked a yellow gerbera daisy for my baby to place on our altar, it began pouring rain.
“This is our baby confirming their name again” I said, as the sky opened & the water droplets soaked us from head to toe.
The next day the tightenings felt a little more consistent & stronger. I remember sitting in the dentist with Archer thinking “I’m probably in the early stages of labour” but then also dismissing that thought because I had believed that many times already. The dentist was quite an ordeal, with them being unable to pull the tooth & a very unsettled & slightly traumatised 6 year old ~ it was a stressful day for both of us, so I asked Andy to pick up a bottle of red wine on his way home. I hadn’t had alcohol in almost a year, so even he thought this was odd. I had a small 1/2 glass of wine, enough just to savour the taste, let it warm my cheeks & relax my jaw which had been tense all week. Relaxed jaw= relaxed pelvis.
That night I had a bath & Andy gave me the most delicious full body massage, this was a frequent nighttime routine for us for weeks & something I miss so much (he’s the best) I had been waking up at 1:30am for the 2 nights prior, so I went to bed pretty early assuming it would happen again, & it did.
When I awoke I knew exactly what time it would be so I laid there & tried to go back to sleep. I was having my usual tightenings but this time a little stronger.
The tightenings were a little closer together than they had been, so I thought I’d time them. When I picked up my phone it was 2am. I timed a few & they were an average of 4:44 minutes apart. I smiled because 4:44 is a number I kept seeing multiple times a day in the weeks leading up to birth, it was everywhere- & I also laughed because I was timing contractions & I don’t even really attach to any concept of time when it comes to birth nor even know what the minutes mean. It still didn’t make me think or believe anything was happening. I had had a dream in early 2019 about a birthday cake with the date written on it “February 20, 5:52am” ~ I had these dream notes written down & had began to believe this was going to be my babies birth date. It was only the 19th, I still had a day I thought. I was taking Archer to the dentist that day to get his tooth pulled. I was truly convinced birth wasn’t going to happen today. My little baby, the complete trickster~ aligning all of these thoughts within my mind to make me truly surprised with their arrival. Looking back there were so many signs. After all, it was sprinkling rain outside, just as it did at the sunset earlier that night~ my baby had communicated his song to me through rain long before he was conceived & throughout pregnancy, the reason why we made his surname Rain. I didn’t know why, but I felt called to record that sunset~ the last sunset before his birth day.
The pain started travelling more deeply into my lower back & I got in my usual all fours position & buried my head into a pile of pillows to move my body with them, helping guide my baby get where he needed to be. I had been talking to my baby a lot throughout pregnancy & the weeks leading up, telling him what position he need to get in, asking him to keep his hands off his face, that night I had felt his position shift.
When it reached 3:30 I decided to wake Andy up. My lower back was really aching by this point & I wanted him to rub it. Each surge was consistently around 5 minutes apart still. I didn’t tell him I think this is it, he had been up many times rubbing my back like this.
I still wasn’t convinced. Andy on the other hand, he knew something was different~ especially when I asked him to get the hot water bottle. & to walk with me to the kitchen to get a banana. I don’t even like eating bananas, but something told me “eat incase you need the energy”. The hot water bottle was irritating, I tried to cuddle up to him instead but no relief, so I asked him to run me a bath. Okay, I’m asking Andy to run me a bath at 4am in the morning, maybe this is it, I thought. But I was still convinced it would fizzle out in the morning & I’d go to the dentist. It’s probably going to go on all day, we at least have hours. It was around this time that I started having to really breath through the surges, still they were bearable, & very welcomed. I enjoyed the feeling, it reminded me of my moon time & I had missed the feeling of my bleed arriving. I put on one of my fave 528hz frequency tunes & just relaxed into it all.
I called Michelle (our birthkeeper) & told her to get ready just incase & that I’d call her after the bath. I hopped in the candle lit bath & ate half of the banana, it was gross what was I thinking haha.
As I was in the bath I began making sound through the surges, small moans & deep breaths.
I looked around thinking how things looked extra shiny & saturated in a deeper colour than normal~ a little like a psilocybin mushroom trip. I felt the similar feeling you get when the mushrooms begin to awaken within the consciousness, out of body with my senses heightened. Things were feeling psychedelic, my psychic bodies activating~ the way I feel when I become a direct channel for spirit to move through me. I didn’t know it yet, but I was beginning to enter an altered state of consciousness.
Then my mind came in & I began thinking how I haven’t had any of the classic prelabour symptoms, I hadn’t lost my plug, baby still wasn’t engaged, my cervix was still unreachable (posterior).. these thoughts were nothing but the mere conditioning of how we are told our bodies must be a certain way in order to be able to birth.
These thoughts had me convincing myself I still had hours, & in reality I kind of did want hours, or at least enough time to light a sacred sunrise fire, set the space, call my baby in, take us on a drum journey & open up the ceremony of birth~ but really we had already spent weeks in ceremony, carefully & intentionally weaving magic into our home as the sensations of birth crept in & out, my baby didn’t need any of that, he was ready.
I called Michelle & told her I don’t think she needed to come yet
“I don’t think this is it”.
As I hopped out of the bath I was hit with another surge a lot stronger than the ones in the bath.
Okay maybe this is it.
I looked outside my bathroom door, where I see our bed & saw Archer sitting up. He knew what was happening, but looked so worried. I asked if he was okay, & he began to cry.
“when the baby is here you won’t have time for me”,
all his fears start surfacing.
I walked over to him & began giving him the reassurance he needed to hear while on all fours swaying side to side.
Another wave came & I moaned through it, while telling my first baby how much I love him.
We got up together & went out to the living room where my birth space was, where Andy was running around setting things up, I had a few requests for him in this short amount of time, & gosh he was amazing.
I txted Michelle around 5am & asked her to come, & once I journeyed into the living room I never left.
I remember trying to do things, set up the camera, turn on the fairy lights, set the mood, but my consciousness had shifted so much I could barely do any of it, things started progressing pretty fast.
All of this birth space prep I wanted to activate to welcome my baby, but my baby didn’t want any of it~
all my baby needed was me
& me alone.
Andy continued setting up the pool & camera, & put on my birth playlist.
I melted into him & we began dancing & swaying as we made out~
his sweet passionate kisses,
activated all the love hormones & brought on stronger surges.
I surrendered on all fours leaning over the couch.
This position was the only position I that felt comfortable for me. I’ve always loved burying my head in a pillow when I’m feeling intense emotions,this wasn’t any different. I loved the freedom of this position that allowed me to sway my hips to the music with each surge & in between.
I got up,& tried the rebozo that was hanging from the ceiling.One surge & I was done,it was way too intense for me &made me feel ungrounded.
I walked around & as another surge arrived I dropped to the ground on all fours again~ there was something so grounding about this position for me.
I went to the toilet & finally saw I was losing my plug “yay, there’s blood!” I shouted. Andy & Archer celebrated with a “yay” too.
This is the moment when I finally accepted birth was going to happen soon.
I tried staying on the toilet to ride out a surge, I know how everyone says how good the toilet is for opening up the cervix, but I don’t think my cervix needed it. One surge had me holding onto the sides of the walls with the most intense contraction & loudest moans so far. It was way too intense for me, nope not doing that again.
So I went back to all fours against the couch, swaying & waiting for the pool to be full enough for me to hop in.
My voice toned through each surge & as they began getting stronger & closer together, my voice began getting louder~
sound became the medicine,
& made each surge more bearable~
I felt my cervix open as my mouth opened with the sound I would make with each wave.
I celebrated the bloody mucous that dripped from my Yoni, feeling so grateful for my body doing what it was doing. With each of these moments I healed more of those untruthful beliefs that were imprinted on me from my first birth.
I tried smiling through a few surges, reminding myself that each one was bringing me closer to my baby. This actually helped! But as things kept picking up, I needed the water, & I couldn’t wait any longer so I hopped in.
It was around 6am by this time, Michelle walked in the door just after I had hopped in the pool.
She came in at the perfect time, as I began needing Andy’s presence & comfort through every surge & Archer was walking around a little lost on what to do with himself.
Looking back on the videos, it’s so cute to witness Archer.
Michelle offered to make him some breakfast & him & her became a team, she gave him a cup to pour water over my back through the surges & helped him find his place & confidence within it all.
As the surges were rolling in, their intensity called in my presence more & more~ at this point I was still talking between surges & able to request things. Hot flushes began to overcome me as my internal fire lit up, my body burning up as it began widening my bones with each surge, making the passage way for my baby to journey through.
Archer came over with an electric spray fan to cool me off. He loved doing this for me.
I sprayed myself with a palo santo medicine mist~ my favourite scent.
I realise the things that grounded me most were sounds & smells.
My eyes were closed, there was no looking at all the pretty affirmations I had hanging up.
My lower back felt the aching, burning pressure more than anywhere else, the only position for relief was still on my knees leaned over the pool,belly hanging down allowing gravity to take the pressure off my back.
Andy held his head close to mine & we would make out in between surges, I remember thinking these were the most beautiful kisses I’ve ever had with him,
so delicious,
high on oxytocin,
the vibration of love filled the room.
A few of these surges in & the energy of the room began to darken as I began entering the underworld.
An energy shift I won’t forget, eyes closed to journey inwards, palms open, jaw softened~
this part needed all of my attention.
I remember this moment the Ganesh mantra came on, it was perfect timing as I quietly chanted this mantra inbetween a surge.
This is when I needed Andy to hop in the pool with me, I wanted him close, to hold me as we danced the dance of birth. I had no idea “where I was at”, I didn’t do any cervical checks nor did I want to, I was in complete trust. After Andy hopped in the pool another surge came with more intensity,
I felt this surge travel deeper, like thunder that opened me wider, this is when my primal roar was activated.
I had to plant my feet firmly on the ground of the pool, digging them in as I felt surges of energy shoot out from my feet anchoring deep into the earth.
This was my body connecting & calling on the support of mother earth,
merging as one with her as the waves of birth pulsated through me & into the earth.
I was not doing this alone.
“Yyes baby that’s it!” Andy celebrated as I let out my roar, a roar I didn’t even know I had in me.
My animalistic instincts heightened~
the wild woman within unleashed~
Kali reincarnated,
the surges coming less than every minute & lasting much longer.
This is possibly the point I entered transition~ I remember thinking “this can’t be transition already, I don’t even want to give up” ~
mentally prepared for a long haul of this intensity, I remained focussed & inward, connected to my breath~ I needed no one to bother me,
& thankfully I didn’t need to express that, everyone just knew.
I kept saying I felt the need to poop, but I was so focussed on the position & inward state of mind I had found comfort in, that I didn’t want to move or even attempt to get out of the pool.
Little did I know this was just my baby a mere few surges away from birthing.
The song “surrender” by Alexia Chellum came on at the perfect moment, I had no choice but to surrender now.
Another surge, another roar, this time I felt my bones open wide like the doorways to heaven, my lower back felt as though it was ripping apart~ creation was birthing~ I felt immense pressure until the popping of waters released & I felt a huge gush. This wasn’t the need to poop, it was my babies head descending. Another surge came as I roared & felt my baby slide down the birth canal effortlessly as fetal ejection reflex was activated & my body pushed my baby out. I remembered hearing about fetal ejection reflex & the force it can have, as I felt my babies head descend quickly & begin to emerge I tried to slow things down with the breath, but my baby was ready, I had no control.
“Is that a head” I asked
too focussed to move myself out of my position, Andy looked down & said yep that’s a head~ he saw Inti’s head beginning to emerge & we called Archer & Michelle over to witness. They had been sitting quietly on the lounge a few metres away reading “welcome home” by @alisha.bourke, it was such a beautiful sight to see.
Another surge came & without a single push or effort on my behalf other than my intuitive primitive roar, Inti’s head fully emerged.
It felt as though I got a break in between surges in this moment~
a moment to breath,
to gather myself before another surge would come that would birth the rest of my baby.
When it did it felt like the strongest one yet,
I roared
& out came my baby.
Andy’s hands guided & directed him under the water to in front of me, where I leaned back & reached in to grab my baby out of the water & brought him up to my heart.
Born at 6:56am
less than an hour after I hopped in the pool. 5 hours since I had awoken with those mild sensations.
Pisces Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising.
My baby.
In that moment, I broke open. Shocked, amazed, surprised, euphoric that in such little time he was here, in my arms, completely perfect & totally calm.
That I did it.
I delivered my baby & we didn’t need anyone but us.
He was so calm that I even questioned if he was okay. “That’s homebirth babies, he’s perfect” Michelle said quietly~ the soft reassurance I needed as I gathered my breath to sit in the reality of what had just unfolded. I rubbed his back & sucked a little mucous from his nose to clear his airways, a tiny little cry emerged but not much, he was totally happy to be here, totally calm, totally perfect.
A tranquil moment washed over us as we gazed at his perfect little face & he gazed back at me in the eyes, instant eye contact.
“Is it a boy or a girl” Archer asked, we hadn’t even thought to check, too loved up on the experience. A BOY!
“What’s his name” Archer asked again & instantly we knew, it was him all along “Inti”..
The pool was getting cool so I didn’t want to stay in too long, I wanted warmth & comfort so we all gathered ourselves as Michelle prepped the bed & I got out of the pool.
I was so grateful for Michelle throughout the whole thing, especially these golden hours. We we’re able to marvel at our new creation as she cleaned up the space, brought me water & snacks for fuel, cleaned me up & helped me journey in and out of the toilet, all while documenting the whole thing. She was a godsend.
In complete ecstasy, time passed so fast. Surges were still happening but only every 10 minutes or so, the herbal after pains tincture took
the edge off~ after pains continued for a few days so it was great having this on hand. Before I knew it it had been over an hour & I was beginning to want the placenta to release as it still hadn’t let go. I took some placenta release herbs which help to stimulate the natural contractions, sat on the toilet but still nothing. After 2 hours had passed, Michelle asked if I’m holding on to the placenta. In that moment I realised, I had to communicate to it, & to my body to give thanks to the placenta & say it was safe to release & that I was ready to let go. This was huge, because I know my body was resisting it due to the trauma of what had happened during my first birth. 2.5 hours, my placenta finally released & birth was complete.
After the placenta was finally birthed, we were called to head back to our nest & slowly began setting up for the cord burning ceremony~ this another big moment for me. We chose to do this ceremony as a slow & intentional way for Inti to land here, it is said that by burning the cord this way, it allows for the all of the life force from the placenta to travel to baby & energetically promote a softer landing earthside.
As we were about to begin I cried & shed tears & pain as I sank into the magic of the whole journey we went on, the experience of this wild pregnancy & freebirth~ I took a moment as I was also grieving what was taken away from me with my first birth. Anticipating the knowing that the detachment of his cord would finally make Inti HERE, in this earthly realm. I took a moment to feel into if he was ready~ more tears were shed as I realised he was, & we began the burning ceremony ~ all of us holding the candles as we gently, intentionally & slowly welcomed our baby earthside, giving thanks to his life force & thanks to Spirit, our guides & ancestors who loudly guided us throughout this whole pregnancy & birth journey, reminding us all of the magic that exists within this universe & how the earth celebrates new life loudly when we truly listen.
As soon as the cord seperated, I felt a jolt of energy & Inti opened his eyes wide. Welcome to earth Inti Ochre Rain.
The magic of that day remained very present in our home for the golden days & weeks of bliss that followed~ spent in intentional rest & ceremony, sacred music was played, candles were lit & each day I gave grace & thanks for the moments that had unfolded & continued to unfold. Everything was perfect, more perfect than I ever could have imagined.
